A Look Back At 2019

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." -Isaiah 42:16 (ESV)

This post is a follow up to the one I posted in March reflecting on 2019 as 2020 is about to begin, as well as a bit of a life update.  2019 was a year of taking steps, not knowing where they might lead.  So where have they led so far?

Photography:

I began 2019 wanting to exhibit my photography, but not knowing if it was good enough.  My first steps involved attending an event about the art of photography and becoming a member at Mistlin Gallery.  I submitted 8 photos to the floral and still life show that ran through May and they were all accepted.

I had the privilege of photographing 2 events for the Stanislaus Medical Society.

During the summer, I exhibited 3 photos in the summer splash show.

In August, I renewed my membership and submitted 5 photos for the Autumn Art Festival.  This was the first show I entered that was judged and juried.  I was excited to have 2 of my photos selected for the exhibit.

In the fall, I was notified that an event I had participated in before was coming back under a new name.  This was The Art of Hope Gala, formerly the Art of Justice Gala.  It involved local artists selecting works children who have experienced domestic violence had created accompanied by quotes from the children.  Below is the piece I selected and the piece I created based off of it, called Distorted Decisions.  It was created by taking a photo of the street sign with the double arrow, a basic symbol of a simple decision, and distorting it several times and then layering the distortions on to the original image.  My two favorite things about this event are being able to support an organization I care about and being challenged in photography as it calls for something different than what I normally do.  I also had the privilege of photographing the event.  Two exciting things happened. 1)Someone actually asked me about my photo. 2)Someone actually liked my photo enough to pay $250 for it, and I recently found out it was a friend that purchased it.

I finished out the year with the 3 photos that didn't make it into the Autumn Art Festival being exhibited in the Home For The Holidays show.  I've had several family members purchase photos from me this last year.  And I'll be starting 2020 with 4 photos in the new abstract and valley impression show.  There was some frustration preparing for this one due to having limited time to prepare, but I'm excited for it because I think the photos I'm exhibiting are some of my best so far.

As far as 2020 goes, I plan to continue to exhibit at Mistlin Gallery.  I'd also like to create a nice website and try to sell more physical prints.

Volunteering at Doctors Medical Center:

In May, I became the chair of the patient and family advisory council.  In June, our director transitioned to a new role.  During all of this, I realized that this was something I would like to do as a career.  I learned that there is an institute called the Beryl Institute that offers courses to prepare for the licensing exam to become certified in patient experience leadership.  This is something I want to pursue; it's just a matter of coming up with the money to do so.

One of the challenges I faced in all of this was the unexpected death of my grandpa at the hospital.  Just to be clear, it wasn't because of the hospital, he just happened to unexpectedly die there on the day he was going to be discharged. It was a hard loss and made me question being there soon after.  It's been a blessing having the opportunity to use his experiences to help other patients, though.  In a way, it's like he lives on there through that.

This is one area where I am frustrated going into 2020.  I have this goal and I'm looking forward to it, but I don't know how it's going to happen yet.  I'm finding to that it's harder to just take steps in this situation and am trying hard to focus on taking what steps I can.

Church:

 In June, I left the church I had helped plant in been at for 10 years to call the Anglican church I've attended part-time for 8 years my home church.  The liturgy has grown me.

Church attendance has unfortunately been something I've struggled with at the end of 2019 between it being a particularly hard year and due to fatigue and other health issues. A main goal for 2020 is getting back to attending regularly.

Health:

No surgeries this year!  However, I have struggled with daily neurological that are likely due to my migraines.  My neurologist started me on supplements that have been very helpful, but the issues return if I don't take them.  I've also experienced a lot of fatigue that my doctor and I now believe may be due to the generic thyroid meds my pharmacy switched to.  I'm hoping to begin taking name brand meds early this next year and hoping that will help a lot.

Work: 

September was my last month of nannying for 2019.  A temporary job at Kmart, which was soon closing opened up and I was hired at just the right time.  This particular Kmart held a lot of good childhood memories for me, so it was bittersweet to be a part of closing it.

2020 currently looks to be opening with a new nanny jo, but work for the year is a bit of mystery right now.  This will be a big area for taking steps.

Here's to the steps that will be taken in 2020 and to all the places they might lead.  May I have the patience and faith to persevere when not being able to see where the steps lead gets discouraging and may you as well.

First Steps On Unknown Paths

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." -Isaiah 42:16 (ESV)

My twenties didn't go much like I had expected them to, so I decided to start my thirties with a new approach at the beginning of the year.  Instead of trying to come up with a 5,10, + year plan, I'm trying to knock on doors that interest me and seeing which ones God opens; taking small steps and learning where they might lead trusting that God sees the whole path.

One of those steps I chose to take is exhibiting my photography in a gallery.  Those steps have looked something like this:

1) Go to the Photography As Art presentation at the gallery.  I was very nervous about this event and was worried I might leave feeling discouraged and chicken out.  Instead, I left feeling very encouraged.  I also heard a quote that fit well with my current journey.  The presenter talked about experiments with primates doing art.  He said one of the things they found is that "The first step always leads to the next step."  I like the idea of my life being God's artwork with these first steps leading to the next and becoming something wonderful.

2) Become a member of the gallery.  I did this right after the presentation.

3) Prepare photos for the upcoming floral and still life exhibit.  This involved taking the photos, post-processing, ordering prints and frames, and framing the photos.  Aside from a defective frame piece that is being replaced, I just finished this step.

4) Turn in my prospectus.  This is my next step.

5) Bring photos to the gallery at the end of April.

6) Attend the artist reception in mid-May.

7) Take unsold photos home at the beginning of June.

These are the steps I can see.  I don't know what may end up happening in between some of those steps or what steps may come after.  I don't know where the path may go from there, but I'm trusting God to reveal more when the time comes.

Another big door I've knocked on so far was volunteering at a local hospital.  I had originally wanted to volunteer as a baby cuddler and called about it at the beginning of January.  There was a longer than expected delay while waiting to hear back from someone that made me question whether or not that door would open.  In the meantime, a different door opened at the hospital- the possibility of serving on a patient and family advisory council.  This was something that I had wanted to be a part of but didn't know existed, if that makes any sense.  The ability to use my health struggles and the insights they've given me to help improve the patient experience for others is something that greatly appealed to me and I decided to pursue it.  I eventually got a call back about volunteering as a baby cuddler, but found myself more drawn to the advisory council and decided to continue down that path.  I don't know where that path will take me or how God will use me on it, but I'm excited to follow it.

It's hard taking the first step on unknown path.  There's a human tendency to want to know the whole path before taking that step.  This is definitely true for me.  But right now, I hear God asking me to just take things one step at a time and have faith that these new paths lead to good things.  I'm just called to take the steps; what He decides to with those steps is up to Him.

When God's Grace Looks Like Death

2018 has been laid to rest and 2019 has begun.  To some extent, 2018 has been a year of death for me.  Most notably, my gallbladder was found to be nearly dead in the sense that it was barely functioning and I had it removed at the beginning of November.  Yet, there was hope in that death and in the other deaths of 2018.

In my previous blog post, I wrote about Esther, the stubborn cyst whose removal revealed a new suture allergy that killed off my skin.  I wrote about how Lent Wound brought my focus to the ways that God brings life from death.  That became my focus with my gallbladder.  I had faith that this was a death that God had allowed and brought to light in order to bring new life.  So far, so good.  I've healed well and am actually doing much better than I have been for the last several years.  As I suspected, Esther prevented 4 incisions from deteriorating instead of just one; I healed very well with the staples.

Besides leaving behind a nearly dead gallbladder and entering into 2019 with better health, here are a few other deaths that I see God using to bring new life in the upcoming year, as well as some new life that didn't result from some sort of death:

Volunteer Work:  While going through the gallbladder issues, I left the place I had been volunteering for 6 years that assisted victims of domestic violence.  I greatly enjoyed my time there and it is still close to my heart, but it became time to move on, especially as all my doctor appointments ended up having to be scheduled during that time.  I decided to use the rest of the year to rest.  Rest is vital; something we tend to forget.  Now that I have rested, I will be contacting one of my local hospitals early this month to pursue a volunteer position as a baby cuddler.  It's something that's been growing in my heart since early 2018 and I am both excited and nervous about it.  I'm praying that it works out.

Work Work:  One of my 2 babysitting jobs came to an end right before I had my gallbladder out.  Things had changed in both of our lives that meant it would no longer work out.  A plan was already in place for me to work my other babysitting job twice as much after surgery, though.  That's a blessing that's being carried over into 2019.  I'm currently in the best spot I've been financially in awhile.

Clutter: Fun fact about me: I can be pretty sentimental.  Being so sentimental, however, can make it hard to get rid of stuff, and that tends to lead to difficult to manage clutter.  One of the things going on mission trips has opened my eyes to is just how much stuff I have that I don't miss when I'm away from it and how much I could live without.  Throughout 2018, I've been trying to get rid of a lot of that clutter.  I ended 2018 last night throwing away another garbage bag and still have a ways to go as I enter 2019.  2019 will be a year of continuing to reduce clutter and hopefully create less in the first place.  Another fun fact: de-cluttering can make you take a good hard look at some of your habits.  It can make you disgusted with some of them, but that also makes you want to change for the better.

Photography: This one doesn't really from any sort of death or ending, just growth.  One of my big goals for 2019 is to get some of my photography displayed in a local venue where it will be seen and can be purchased.  Working more will provide me more financial ability to make this happen, so I guess in that sense, this is somewhat related to a 2018 casualty.  This one is particularly exciting and terrifying for me.  I'm not completely sure how to go about it or how my photography will be received, but it is a step that I plan on taking.

Age:  Managed to forget this one when I originally published this post.  The decade known as my 20's came to a close in November.  I ended them with a fifth surgery hoping to leave frequent surgeries in my 20's nd have a few less in my 30's. The last decade was a hard lesson about life not looking anything like I once expected it would.  I'm entering my 30's trying to go forward with what it is and create some new goals to work towards, but with a more open mind about what God might have in store for me.

Mattress: Ok, so this one's more for fun.  Seriously, though, my gallbladder surgery was my last straw for my old spring mattress and memory foam topper that refused to stay in place.  Wayfair had a great sale on memory foam mattresses in November and my parents got me one for Christmas.  I'm going into 2019 sleeping better and not being in so much pain.  It's actually a really wonderful thing!

I'm not usually a huge fan of New Year's Day, but this time, I am looking forward to 2019.  Granted, I'm also a little nervous.  With God, grace often comes in the form of death.  This was the case with the cross- Christ died to bring new life.  2018 had a lot of endings for me, but I have faith that those endings were to make way for the new things that God is doing in 2019.  I don't know what 2019 has in store for me, but I trust the One who is making a path that I can so far only see part of.  I'm trusting that He who began these good works will be faithful to continue them.  Philippians 1:6 was my verse for my gallbladder issues.  I want to share a card I found while de-cluttering my room that I must have bought at some point and can't remember why.

I'm entering into 2019 believing that.  I pray that 2019 comes with many blessings for all of you who read this.  I pray that you will cling to God and feel His presence with you through all the ups and downs of this year and that your faith will remain strong.  Happy New Year!

A Cyst Called Esther

Nearly two years ago, I joked with my surgeon that I should have named my stubborn cyst that we were dealing with given that it had been there for at least nearly a decade.  It wasn't until after it was removed that I found the perfect name for it- Esther.

Esther was a royal pain.  She liked to change sizes making it difficult to find her and even more difficult to drain her.  Given that she had been there for as long as she had, I had little hope she would simply go away after being drained.  I told God that He knew whether or not Esther would need to be surgically removed and asked Him to give my surgeon a sign to surgically remove her if that would end up being the case anyways.  At the appointment I mentioned, Esther once again could not be drained and my surgeon offered me the option of surgery, which I gladly took her up on.  Esther needed to go.

Esther did not go without a fight.  I experienced a very unexpected complication after surgery that we believe was an allergic reaction to the absorbable sutures.  Essentially, my skin all along the incision site dissolved instead of the sutures.  Not fun.  Esther was never able to behave normally.  So, why would God allow a surgery that seemed like it was going to relieve my suffering (which it did in fact do) to create more suffering?

Here's my take and here's where the name Esther comes in.  That suture allergy was going to be there just waiting for whatever my next surgery would have been to strike.  Yes, God could have prevented a suture allergy in the first place, but sometimes He allows hardships and lessens the damage instead.  There's a Chinese hymn called Camel In The Desert about God placing us in the desert, but giving us a camel to get through it.  It's a beautiful hymn and I like to think that Esther was my camel.  Several people told me after surgery that maybe I'd be blessed with not having to have any future surgeries.  I, on the other hand, already knew the list of surgeries that would be likely in the future. This is where the name Esther came in.  Perhaps God placed Esther for such a time as this, the time referring to future surgeries.  I wondered what the next one was going to be and assumed a suture allergy during the next one would have been worse.  A lumpectomy was a very fortunate surgery to have discovered it after as it created less harm than it would have after many other types of surgeries.

Now, back to 2018, and I am seeing what "such a time as this" is and seeing truly how fitting it is.  One of the surgeries I knew might be in my future was a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).  I began having mild, occasional, localized pain where my gallbladder is 3 years ago, but there was nothing to warrant further investigation at the time.  Knowing my body and knowing that gallbladder issues often accompany thyroid issues, I suspected it was likely very early signs of a future gallbladder problem.  My body was already progressing to this point at the time that Esther was removed.  Esther was there for such a time as this- a time where I'll be having 4 incisions instead of 1.  We are now prepared to use staples for this surgery to try to prevent a similar reaction from occurring thanks to Esther.

I also had a name for the wound caused by my reaction- Lent Wound.  Much of the time spent caring for the wound was during Lent.  I think I was finally free of tegaderms right around Easter, too.  Lent Wound was a very visible reminder during that time that it is by His wounds that we are healed.  It was a reminder that God brings new life in places where death has taken its toll and that that new life is different from the old life.  As I prepare to have my barely functioning gallbladder removed, I'm looking for the ways that God might be using this to breathe new life.  I'm holding on to the words of 2 Corinthians 4:16 where it says, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."  This verse sums up my experience with God through chronic illness.  Seeing the ways He has been faithful through my health struggles has been one of the biggest builders of my faith.

Almost 9 years ago to the date, I was getting ready to teach my first lesson as a youth group leader.  The title was "Where Is God In The Hard Times?".  Shortly before I left to teach it, I noticed what appeared to be lump near my hip.  After doing some Googling, I thought it might be a hernia and scheduled an appointment with my doctor, who agreed.  The pain started the day of the appointment.  Turns out, the lump was just some sort of pooch that may or may not be mostly from the fact that I tend to put more weight on my left side when I stand.  However, if it weren't for that lump, my actual hernias may not have been diagnosed due to their unusual presentation (although I will note that there is growing literature to suggest that it is a common presentation of inguinal hernias in women, but they may be underdiagnosed due to looking for how they present in men).  As it was, there was a huge struggle getting my hernias and the associated muscle problems diagnosed and treated.  There were often times I wondered why God wasn't doing more about the situation and had to choose trust in His character over what I felt at the time.  And each time He showed Himself faithful; each surgical scar has been a reminder of His faithfulness.  Each time I've had no control over what scans and test results would show or what various doctors would decide.  I've had to trust Him with it all.

This time, I did that from the beginning.  I didn't even bring up the pain to my doctor because it was still pretty mild and occasional.  I told God that He knew what was going on in my body and if there was something wrong that needed to be taken care of, He needed to give my doctor a reason to investigate further.  Well, God answered with a slightly elevated liver enzyme that my doctor thought could mean a gallbladder problem.  An ultrasound showed no gallstones, but shortly after that, the pain started to get worse and has progressively gotten worse since.  I asked my doctor for further testing and she ordered HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder.  I was nervous it might not show anything, but I kept in mind what it says in Philippians 1:6 that, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."  Granted, this is taken a bit out of context, but I do believe that when God begins any kind of good work in us, it is with the intention of bringing it to completion.  This verse was also posted on Facebook by a page I follow the morning of my HIDA scan and showed up on my feed while I waited, which was reassuring.  Sure enough, the HIDA scan clearly showed that my gallbladder was barely functioning.

I'm going into this next surgery in a few weeks a little nervous after what happened last time, but mostly filled with the peace that comes from having experienced God's faithfulness.  God has shown that He knew my needs ahead of time and was making a way to meet them.  It's not the first time He's done so.  In the last 9 years, He has shown Himself faithful in every hard time and this time will be no different.  He still works all things together for the good of those who love Him, including barely functioning gallbladders, stubborn cysts, suture allergies, and hernias.

And if you're interested in how I characterize my gallbladder, here you go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhYWNPzBuiM

I'm pretty sure that's what I saw on the screen during my HIDA scan.  Minus the dancing.  I don't think it even bothered to do that much.  Also, I'm pretty sure that several other body parts are in fact the back up dancers joining in.

Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant

"Remember your leaders, those who have spoken God's word to you.  Think about the impact of their lives, and imitate their faith." -Hebrews 13:7 (International Standard Version)

This morning I got to watch a sermon on Hebrews 13:7 and it was one of the most powerful sermons I've ever witnessed.  I should note that Hebrews 13:7 was never mentioned during the sermon, but it was brought to life in a beautiful way throughout the service.  The service was at my second home church and was a time to celebrate a priest there as he enters into retirement.

I've grown pretty fond of this priest and his wife over the last few years.  I've had the privilege of serving alongside them on the drama team at a camp for foster children.  I've been blessed to see some of the ways they work together as a couple and honor God through the way they love each other and love the church together.  One of those most memorable moments was when I sold jewelry and his wife had hosted a jewelry show to support me.  Usually men didn't participate in the shows, but in this case, he came out when the show was over and they picked out her free jewelry together.  It was a very touching experience to witness.  And that jewelry show was only one of the many ways they have both shown me support and love over the years.  They have both been there for me at times when I've needed it, prayed for me, encouraged me, etc.  I have never had any reason to doubt that either of them care about me and I look up to them as Godly examples who have been very faithful servants of the Lord.  I am grateful for the example they have set for me.

The fruit of their faithfulness was palpable this morning.  The parking lot and sanctuary were much fuller this morning as people who have moved, go to other churches, can't make it every Sunday, etc. showed up to celebrate this priest and the ways God has worked in our lives through him.  Time was taken to reflect on His time as a priest and how God led him there.  He encouraged us all to make decisions that would grow our faith instead of hinder it.  One of the things that I thought was most beautiful about how the sermon was handled was that he was the only priest that gave out the communion waifers when both priests normally would.  It was a final time for everyone there to receive communion from him as an on staff priest.  And during that time, I got to watch him serve communion to his family, including his grandsons.  His son, however, couldn't be there- he was teaching the Word of God at another church.  The morning ended with lunch and a time of fellowship.

Things that are usually considered mountain top moments in faith are things like mission trips, church trips and big events, conferences, etc.  I consider this morning's service to have been a mountain top moment in my faith that was at least as impactful as any of those things, if not more so. There's something indescribably special about celebrating as someone has finished running a big part of the race and has finished well and also being able to look to the future knowing there's still more to come.  I chose to use the International Standard Version of Hebrews 13:7 because I felt like the wording best described this morning- an opportunity to look at the impact of this priest and his wife's lives and a call and desire to imitate their faith as they have faithfully served in the hope that we would do the same.  This morning I experienced a beauty of the Christian faith that I had not experienced in quite the same way before in witnessing how many lives are blessed when each of us chooses to be faithful to the Lord.

Go

Today's word was "go".  I chose to reflect on Matthew 28 since the word "go" appears multiple times throughput the chapter.  I'll let you look it up and read it if you would like rather than typing out the full chapter.


The chapter begins with the women at the tomb after Jesus' death.  First the angel invites them to come and see that He has risen.  This is followed by the command to go and tell His disciples that He has risen.  Furthermore, Jesus, the dead guy they were mourning, would go before them to Galilee.  They were to find Him there alive, not there in the tomb.  And the women went with "fear and great joy."


Jesus met them and they worshipped Him.  He then gave the command to go and tell His brothers to go to Galilee where they would see Him.


While the women were going, some of the guards went to the chief priets and told them what had happened.  The chief priests told them to tell everyone that the disciples had stolen the body.


The disciples went to Galilee as they were told.  This is when they received the Great Commission to go and make disciples of all nations.


There's a lot of going going on in this chapter and all of it is a response to the resurrection.  Go and tell seems to be the theme.  For some, it was go and tell the good news.  For others, it was go and tell a lie to cover up the good news.


What would happen if evangelism was done out of a joyful response to the good news and not just a duty we feel we we have because of the Great Commission?  Some of us have this down.  Some of us could use some work.  Sometimes I worry that we take the resurrection for granted.  We don't realize just what it means.  We've grown up in a world where life seems a given.  I want to truly appreciate what a big deal the resurrection is and I want my evangelism to come from the joy that comes from that.

Injustice

Today's word is "injustice".  I chose Job 5:16, which says, "So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth."  It is preceded first by verses about committing one's cause to God who provides for those in need and then by verses about frustrating the plans of the wicked.  He gives hope to the poor and quiets injustice by putting an end to it.


I have a love/hate relationship with the idea that God loves all of us as if we were the only person.  It makes me feel good about God's love for me.  But I think it's false.  God does not love me any less because there are other people to love.  His love is unaffected by that fact.  Furthermore, I've come to view justice as God loving all of us equally.  There is punishment for sin because sin can't be committed without harm being done to someone else.  God is hurt everytime we sin- He died for each of our sins, even the "small" ones.  We hurt ourselves each time we sin because the wages of sin is death, even though we sometimes forget this because of the grace we have received.  There are usually other consequences as well.  Many times we also hurt other people, with or without knowing it.  Something seems odd about God's love for a victim if the sin is not addressed; it seems lacking.  Justice holds us accountable to loving God, ourselves, and our neighbors.  As Jesus said, that sums up all the commandments.


I've noticed that many times when injustices are committed, especially some of the most heinous injustices, it is done with the arrogant belief that the perpetrator will not be held accountable for his/her actions.  God doesn't exist or will give him/her a free pass.  If this were the case, there would be no hope for the poor and injustice will prevail.  Fortunately, we do have a just God.  The poor have hope precisely because God will shut the mouth of all injustice at some time or another, even if we don't get to see it.


We can look to the cross and resurrection as an example of injustice being quieted.  Although Jesus willingly went to the cross in submission to the Father's will, the cross was also still the world's greatest injustice.  Injustice roared that day as crowds shouted, demanding that the only innocent man to ever walk the Earth, it's creator and provider be crucified.  The resurrection silenced that injustice as God gave Jesus righteous judgment and raised Him from the dead.  God always judges righteously.  There is no injustice from Him and He does not allow mockery to be made of justice.

Look

Have I mentioned that I love the books of the prophets?  Today's word is "look" and I picked a verse from my favorite book of the Bible.  It's Lamentations 5:1, which says "Remember, O LORD, what has befallen us; look and see our disgrace!" (ESV)


This verse is a reminder that God is the God who sees.  What's interesting is that this verse is inviting God to look upon our disgrace- the very thing we normally try to hide from God and others.  Yet if we are to repent and find healing from God, we have to acknowledge the damage that sin's done in our lives and we have to invite God into it.  It is in telling God how desolate and desperate Israel's situation is and begging for Him to see it that Jeremiah begs the Lord to restore Israel to Himself.  The more I realize the damage sin inflicts in my life, the more I seek God's restoration.


I'm also drawn closer to Christ as I imagine Him praying something similar on the cross.  He bore our shame.  Crucifixion was a disgracelful death and He died that death with a crowd looking at that disgrace.  Our disgrace.  But He took it upon Himself and I'm sure He called on God to look at what was happening to Him and to remember and restore His life.

Voice

Today's word to reflect on is "voice".   I chose to reflect on Isaiah 51:3, which says, "For the LORD comfort Zion; he comforts all her waste places snd makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." (ESV)


I love the books of the prophets; they're my favorites.  There's a common theme: warning of punishment for sin if God's people don't repent and return to the Lord followed by promises of comfort and restoration that will follow and result in the Lord being exalted.  Lent is a time on reflecting on the punishment that our sin deserves and the fact that Christ bore that punishment for us.  It is a time of mourning as we reflect on the cost of sin.  However, this verse reminds me that it can also be a time of comfort.  The NIV translation of this verse says that he looks with compassion on Israel's ruins.


During this season of lent, I'm aware of some of the ruins in my life that have been caused by sin, whether it be sins that I committed or that others committed.  However, as I lament what used to be and is no longer there, I also want to turn to God and receive the comfort that He has promised following destruction.  I don't think we are supposed to mourn in vain; I think are mourning is meant to turn us back to the God who is waiting to comfort us.  I also want this to be a time for thanksgiving and the voice of song as I look forward to the promise of comfort and restoration.

Gather

Another season of lent where I commit to blogging has begun.  This year I am adapting a lent idea that was to take and share a photo each day based off a word.  Instead, I will take some time each day to look up Bible verses containing the word, reflect, and blog some thoughts.


Today's word is "gather".  The verse I've chosen is Job 34:14-15, which says, "If he should set his heart to it and gather to himself his spirit and his breath, all flesh would perish together, and man would return to dust." (ESV)  I read this at my church's Ash Wednesday service shortly after having the ashes placed on my forehead and hearing the words, "From dust you came; to dust you shall return."


Fortunately, this is not what God has set His heart to, and that is the grace of this season.  I've been doing Beth Moore's Bible study about the Holy Spirt called "Breath".  We've examined verses similar to the one in Job linking words like "breath", "spirit", and "life", which is one of the reasons this stood out to me.  Another reason is the passage we studied in the last session.


I encourage you to read Ezekiel 37:1-14.  It's the passage about the dry bones being brought to life.  In short, God asks the prophet Ezekiel, "Son of man, can these bones live?".  Ezekiel replies, "O Lord GOD, you know."  God tells him to prophesy life over the bones.  As he did so, the bones came together and were covered with flesh, but there was no breath.  He was then commanded to prophesy to the breath to breathe on the slain so they might live and they did.  The passage ends with God's promise to raise His people from their graves and place His Spirit in them so they might live.


I go to a church where communion is usually only taken once a month, except for special occasions.  Communion happened to fall the day after this lesson.  As I watched everyone go up for communion, I reflected on this passage.  "Can these dry bones live?" God seemed to still be asking.  "O Lord GOD, you know," I thought as I watched person after person receive the sacraments that said, "Yes."  Bones metaphorically coming together and being covered with sinews and flesh.  God breathing new life into His people that were once dead in their transgressions.  While advent looks forward to the birth of Christ, lent looks forward to God breathing life into dry bones.


From dust we came; to dust we shall return.  Praise the God whose heart is not sent on leaving us that way.  The God who instead chose to open our graves and breathe life into us a second time.  He could have gathered His breath instead.  We'd had our chance and blown it.  Yet He chose to give His last breath so that we might once again have breath.  This is the beauty of lent and Easter.

No More

The above image is from The Joyful Heart Foundation's No More Campaign.  No More means more than just no more domestic violence and sexual assault.  It means No More behaviors that enable it to happen, such as No More Silence, No More Blaming The Victim, etc.  It's No More Fill In The Blank as pictured below:

I'm hoping to add my voice to the No More campaign by doing a No More series on this blog.  God has given me a passion to fight the injustice of abuse.  I've heard several testimonies from suvivors of abuse that the church has not been much of a help in fighting abuse, and in some cases, it has even made things worse.  This is not always the case, but it is heartbreaking to hear how often it is the case.  In this No More series, I will address some common behaviors and attitudes that are found within the church that have a tendency to enable abuse, look at why they do so, and what might be able to be changed to help fight abuse.

A big inspiration for this blog series has been the "A Cry For Justice" blog.  This is a Christian-led blog that exists solely to address the issue of abuse and the church.  I believe it is a valuable resource for Christians that seek to understand the dynamics of abuse and who are looking for a Biblical understanding of how to deal with abuse when it occur within the church.  Here is the link: http://cryingoutforjustice.com/.

The Hope On Which Our Faith Rests

Happy Easter, everyone!  He is risen!  The grave is empty.  Death has been defeated.  The curse that led to death has been broken by the new Adam who brings life to all who believe in Him.  This is the hope on which all of our faith rests.  As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:14, "And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith."  If Christ had not been raised, our faith would be completely useless.  But because He has been raised, we can have a true hope in redemption that will be worked out in this life and ultimately when we see Him face to face.


The fear of death no longer has power over us.  This is how the world was transformed.  Christians were willing to die instead of rejecting Christ because they trusted that He had been raised and trusted His promise that He was only the first of many who had put their faith in Him.  It's kinda hard to stop someone who whole-heartedly believes that.


Christ died.  Christ is risen.  Christ will come again.  Simple words and so easy to take for granted.  Yet they are the deep foundations of our faith.  God Himself came down as a man, died, was raised to life in the same body that was crucified, and will return.  Simple words, yet altogether life altering when we realize just what they mean and choose to believe them.

The Day In Between

Holy Saturday.  It's the day in between death and life.  The day when the harsh, unbelievable realities of the day before began to sink in.  The day when there seemed to be little hope for the future.  A day of confusion and pain.  A day that reminds us just how hopeless we'd be if Jesus had only been crucified and not raised from the dead.  His death is crucial to our salvation and His resurrection is equally as crucial.  There is no hope in death if the promise of new life is not fulfilled.  The time in between is important too.

Throughout our lives, sin will cause many deaths and God will bring about new life. But we will also have to face the time in between.  How we deal with the time in between is crucial to the direction our faith will go.  Will we believe all is hopeless, get angry at God, and lose faith?  Or will we rely on what He has taught us thus far and dare to keep believing against all hope?  There is a reward for this who dare to trust Him even when all seems hopeless- restoration.  The time in between May be the most difficult because it forces us to come to terms with a death brought about by sin.  It's painful.  We often feel powerless. Hope seems to have died.  But His mercies are new each morning.  His plans are to prosper us, not to harm is.  To give us a hope and a future.  He will do something we wouldn't have believed even if we had been told if we will watch and pray.  This is the time that are faith is tested and stretched.  This is where drastic growth can take place.  But all 3 days are crucial to this process.

The Problem Of Evil

The Good Friday service at my church tonight was especially powerful.  The message was about taking responsibility for our individual sins that put Jesus on the cross and how doing so is a crucial part of accepting the forgiveness that Christ extends to us.  During communion, we had the option of dipping our hands into red paint and then placing them on the cross to acknowledge our guilt.  We then were invited to take communion and then go to another station to wash our hands as a symbol of the cleansing provided by Jesus' death on the cross.  The bowl of water quickly became red, making the stains difficult to wash off, similar to how there was only one way that our stains could be washed off and it was not easy.  

As powerful as those reminders were, there was one part of communion that really got to me.  I had the privilege of serving communion tonight.  I got the grape juice.  As anyone who has served communion at my church knows, this can be a bit of a messy job as some of the grape juice inevitably ends drips off of the bread.  Tonight was especially powerful as I felt the grape juice stream down my hands at times and saw spots of it spattered on the floor, all while telling person after person, "The blood of Christ spilled for you."  It was almost like feeling that blood spilled out over me.  My hands were shaking by about half way through.

Today is a day of mourning.  A day of mourning Jesus' death.  But it is not sufficient to only mourn His death.  True repentance comes in mourning the reason for His death.  So often we focus on the fact that Jesus died because He loves us.  While this is true and fully supported by John 3:16, it is not the whole truth.  Because of our sin, we were separated from God.  A perfect sacrifice had to be given in order for us to be reconciled to Him.  Our sins had to be placed on that sacrifice.  The cross is not about God overlooking our sins; it is about God placing them on His one and only Son and punishing Him so that we may live by putting our faith in Him.

Jesus didn't just die on the cross because He loves us.  He died on a cross because our sins grieve Him and He wants to remove them.  That was the only way.  I don't think it is possible to  show proper appreciation for the sacrifice Christ made without grieving our sins that put Him there and realizing just how awful those sins are.  At some point in our lives, we have all chosen to yell, "Crucify Him," spit in His face, and mocked Him.

One of the major philosophical issues, especially in regards to religion, is the problem of evil.  How could a God who is all good, all knowing, and all powerful allow evil to happen.  Christ's willing death on the cross is never mentioned.the thing is, why would a God who doesn't absolutely detest evil take on flesh, allow Himself to be handed over to His enemies, and willingly die one of the most brutal and humiliating deaths in all of history in order to rid people of their sins- and not just so they can go to Heaven, but that this redemption would take place here and now?  I look at Jesus and see a God who cares far more about the problem of evil than any of us do.  And He conquered it on that cross.

When I realize just how much was given in order to pay for my sins, I hate my sins.  I hate my sins that put the God I love on that cross.  The cross is where my desire to turn from my sins is strongest.  I'm repulsed by the way they marred my beloved Savior.  And in this I find my desire to take up my cross and follow Him- to die to myself and to find a new and better life in Him.

Control

Control.  It's something we all need yet something that can cause major problems if misunderstood or used in the wrong way.  There are many times where we think we have more control than we actually do and many times  that we think we have less.  Not being realistic about how much control we have and what we rightly have control over can be extremely destructive to ourselves and others.


Sometimes we try to control God by bargaining with Him.  If He gives us what we want then we will give Him what He wants.  But this mistakes several things about God's character.  First, it assumes that the same God who was willing to give His only Son as a sacrifice doesn't care about our needs and desires when He in fact cares about them more than we do.  However, He sees the whole picture and knows what is best.  But sometimes it is hard to trust that.  Second, it assumes that obedience is a way to get God to give us things, but in reality, God already has good things planned for us, but obedience is to His will is the only way that those things are capable of being received by us.


Sometimes we have to acknowledge that we are powerless in certain circumstances and can do know more than leave the situation in God's hands to deal with.  This doesn't mean that we're powerless; it just means that our power is found in prayer and trusting God to work in the situation.  I've found that some of my best moments with God have been some of the most difficult in my life when I acknowledged how powerless I was and submitted to a God who I trusted was for me and would see me through.


Sometimes we try to control our circumstances by controlling other people instead of ourselves.  This is wrong and if it is habitual it is usually deemed as abuse.  Sometimes we fail to acknowledge that we have as much control as we do.  This is wrong also and can lead to victimization.  Boundaries is an excellent book that I have found very helpful in helping me realize what things I am responsible for and to and what things I am not.  It offers help for both side of the equation.  Often the two go hand-in-hand in relationships and the cycle requires at least one person in the relationship to have a clear picture of responsibility and control and make change based on that understanding in order to be broken.


I think a lot could be changed in our relationships with God and others if we learned what our responsibilities to God and others are and what we have control over and used that control appropriately.  Perhaps that is a crucial part of what it means to love God and love others.  It involves taking responsibility for the way we choose to exercise the gift of free will.  I think that one of the core things of love is using our free will for the benefit of another, and not to harm them.  It's a choice not a feeling.  And sometimes it's a very difficult choice.  Jesus talked a lot about submision, probably because it is required in fulfilling the top two commandments, which all the other commandments happen to fall under.  His whole life was about submission to the will of God, even death on a cross to reconcile us to God.  I think Paul says it well in Phillipians 2:

"2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father."

I think that submission to the will of God is the key to true and healthy control.

When The Old Can't Hold The New

Sometimes being broken isn't a bad thing.  Sometimes it just means that the old can't hold the new.  It hurts all the same, but sometimes God allows us to break in order to make room for the new and allow it to grow.  It may still be caused by sin on some level in these cases, and likely that sin is what would have hindered our growth if things would have remained as they were.


The strange thing is, that the more we've encountered Christ and His love and the more ready we are to grow, the less it hurts.  When I've experienced all that Christ has to offer and how much better it is than what anyone or anything else has to over, the more I am willing to embrace that brokeness if it leads me closer to Christ.  I become more ready to throw off everything that hinders me in my walk with Him and to keep my focus on Him.  He is my prize.  Even if I lost all else, He would still remain.  And He is greater than all else.  He satisfies even the deepest longings of the heart.  If He's leading me out of something, I can trust that it's for my good and that He's leading me into an even better place to bear fruit.  And there's a strange sense of peace that accompanies this brokeness, a peace that helps me let go and move on.

Unmet Expectations

I'm one of those increasingly common people in their mid-twenties who is single, still living at home, and still trying to finish school.  I don't live up to society's expectations, or at least not American society's expectations.  In Taiwan it is normal for a single person to live at home until they get married.  I haven't lived up to my expectations for myself either.  This is definitely not what my high school self saw my life looking like.


However, there are good things my high school self didn't foresee either.  She didn't see mission trips to Taiwan, Niger, and France.  She didn't foresee helping plant a church and helping build that church's youth ministry, kids ministry, and drama team or serving a two year term on the leadership council or leading a mission trip to France through that church.  She never envisioned getting to participate in making a decision to purchase property for the church.  She never envisioned getting to love on foster kids for a week every summer or helping kids from abusive situations at the Justice Center.  She never thought she could break free form her insecurity and other issues.  She never envisioned helping Burmese refugees.  She never imagined the ways she would come to trust God and take risks for Him.  Yet all things and more have happened.


By society's standards, it doesn't appear that I am super successful.  But I think God is proud of me.  I think He is there saying,"Well done, good and faithful servant; keep going!!!"  After all, his own Son failed to meet a lot of expectations, as well.


Many of the Jews of Jesus' time expected the Messiah to be a military leader who would free them from Roman rule.  Instead He came to free them from sin.  He didn't fight Roman rule and even told them to give to Caesar what was Caesar's.


He didn't meet His family's expectations for Him either.  There were times they were embarrassed by His behavior and thought He was crazy.


The religious leaders expected someone who followed their strict rules.  Jesus broke some of the rules when keeping the rule would have made the rule lose it's purpose.


Peter expected Jesus not to die.  He got majorly rebuked for it.


The Jews expected a great king.  They got a man who died a humiliating criminal's death on a cross after being crowned with thorns.  "King of the Jews" was meant to be an insult.  Those that had followed Him with high hopes for the future were left confused and disappointed.


They expected Him to stay dead, but on the third day He rose from the grave!


Peter was probably expected to spend his life as a fisher of fish and not a fisher of men.  Paul could have been a high up Jewish religious leader, but instead he gave his life to preaching the Gospel, even when that meant being followed and nearly stoned to death by mobs of angry Jews and imprisoned.  The name "Christian" began as an insult.  Yet these are the people who turned the world upside down because they put Christ above everything else.


Here's the thing: some of the things that the world considers success are good things.  But Christ is better, and sometimes following Him requires us to sacrifice some of those things.  Maybe temporarily, maybe permanently.  Many of us are familiar with the story of Jesus and the rish man in Mark 10:17-31:


"
¹⁷ As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
¹⁸ “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. ¹⁹ You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’^[a]”
²⁰ “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
²¹ Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
²² At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
²³ Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
²⁴ The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is^[b] to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵ It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
²⁶ The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
²⁷ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
²⁸ Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!”
²⁹ “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel ³⁰ will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. ³¹ But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”


And about the costs Jesus said are associated with following Him in Matthew 8:18-22:


"¹⁸ When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. ¹⁹ Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.”
²⁰ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
²¹ Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
²² But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”"


When Jesus began His time of ministry, He gave up His home and job.  He dedicated His time to minsistry and had followers that offered material support.  Not all of us will be called to this, but some of us will.  We will all be called to sacrifice something to follow Jesus.  Let's be willing to make those sacrifices.  Let's also support our brothers and sisters that are making those sacrifices and celebrate with them as they hit God's milestones, even if they don't always hit society's. 

Catalyst

There are a few common phrases that I absolutely hate when it comes to things that are contrary to God's will.  They include phrases like, "It's normal," "Everybody does that," "That's life," and "That's just who I am."  These are all phrases that serve to take away our responsibility and pretend like we don't havepower to do anything about whatever is being spoken of.  I don't think God will accept these answers when asked why we didn't do anything to help change some of the things that are contrary to His will but have come to be seen as normal.


Porn has become normalized.  Instead of fighting it, it is common for people just to expect that men will view porn and in many cases view them as odd if they don't.  Not appropriatley dealing with conflict has been normalized.  It has the power to damage and even end relationships, but it's viewed as a normal part of life and rarely seen as something that needs to be changed unless perhaps violence is involved.  Only investing in the people we want to invest in and not those that God puts in our paths that might be a challenge to love is seen as normal and totally accepted.  Being so busy that we don't have time for what's actually important and not having solid priorities is seen as normal and even as a good thing.  It's seen as just a part of the way the world works when some people suffer from lack while others have beyond what they need, and I'm not just talking about material things here.  It's also not uncommon for us to rationalize having more by saying that we did something to earn it and the other person didn't.  Rarely is failing to keep one's word thought of as an issue, and if someone is hurt by that, they're considered to be too sensitive.  This is just a small list of things that have become rationalized as being normal.


We have the power to change these things and that power begins with acknowledging that they're not just normal.  They may be normal in the sense that sin is normal, but that doesn't mean that God approves of them.  We have the power to refuse porn and there is help for those who need it.  There are healthy ways of conflict that can help build relationships if we are willing to learn and practice them.  Loving is a command- a call to action that is based on God's love and not our feelings about a person; we can show His love to the people that are difficult for us to love.  We can choose our priorities and fix our schedule around them.  We don't have to be so busy all the time.  It may require sacrifice, but we don't have to be so busy.  We can generously give to those who lack what we have extra of.  We can do what we say were going to do and be more aware of what we commit to.  Al of these things require sacrifice on our part.


Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice to help us change these things- His life.  The Holy Spirit work in us to change these things.  Jesus gave us an example of how to live that flew in the face of everone's definition of normal in some way, both then and now.  Jesus was a catalyst.  He didn't care about normal; His mission was to change people's hearts and have them embrace Kingdom values instead of the norms of a fallen world.  Sometimes they're the same, but sometimes they're not.  I've focused on the things that are normal that need to be changed, but there are also things that may not be normal that should be embraced.  Sometimes those go hand in hand with rejecting the things that are normal and not beneficial.  Jesus challenged the status quo and not just for the sake of challenging it.  He wants for His followers to be catalysts as well.  His disciples did an excellent job of this and turned the world upside down.  We can do the same if we are willing to examine the Bible and our traditions and rely on God's truth instead of norms.  The Holy Spirit is waiting to help us.


I want to be redeemed from anything which is considered normal but is not like God's character.  I believe Christ died to redeem me from that.  I alo believe that redemption is meant to lead me to participate in Christ's redemptive work in the world in whatever ways He leads me.  I believe that as I become healthier in my walk with Him, it will affect those around me.  Some may not like it and choose to leave.  Others may stick with me and God may use it to redeem areas of their lives as well and we can grow together.  I think that's a beauty of Christianity that we miss out on because of "normal".

The Ministry Of Kindness

I'm beginning to think that kindness may be a huge overlooked ministry in America.  I frequently hear public transportation workers get yelled at, mostly over things that aren't their fault.  I frequently witness difficult passengers.  I've been approached by a homeless person who considered someone willing to listen to him and pray with him to be as good as money.  Being friends with doctors has opened my eyes to how difficult and thankless their job can be.  Being friends with pastors has opened my eyes to how difficult and thankless their job can be.  

We're pretty good at making it known when we don't like something.  We're good at telling people how wrong we think they are.  We're good at being angry.

But what if we became good at being compassionate and encouraging instead?  How would things change?  I'm finding that even a little bit of thoughtfulness and kindness can go a long way.  It might make someone's day. People may look forward to seeing you again.  It might pay off for you too as you earn favor with people.  It's a simple way to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but one that is too often neglected.  It's not some grand act, but it's powerful.  It's simple and small, but a big way to show someone Christ's love for them.  Listening, thanking, smiling, being patient, etc. are all ways that we can be Jesus in the flesh in the midst of a hectic day.  Let's be people that stand out for being kind and practicing even the smallest acts of love.

Mentoring

Today's a special day to me.  It marks the 3 year anniversary of the first time my mentor and I got together for mentoring.  I got to get together with her for mentoring this week.  I also got to get together and catch up with an incredible young woman I used to mentor and I've had the privilege of watching grow in her faith over the years.  She's currently going to school to be a youth leader.  I'm pretty proud of her.

The mentoring relationships I've been in- whether as the mentor or mentee- have brought me some of the greatest joy.  There have been incredible moments.  There have been tough moments.  There have been a ton of moments that fall somewhere in between.  All of them have helped me to grow.  They've taught me to love better.  They've been safe places for me to take risks and grow- more so on the mentee side with this one.  I've been a part of formal mentoring relationships where we've committed to a mentoring relationship and I've been a part of many more informal mentoring relationships.

There's something highly beneficial about close, cross generational relationships.  Both people in the relationship seem to benefit from it.  It's a great way to develop faith as older generations pass on what they've already learned and younger generations are eager to learn from the older generations.  It can mean the world to someone to know that someone else is willing to invest in their life and it is highly rewarding to watch someone grow as a result of that investment.  

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:21) One of the best investments we can make in this life is an investment in the life and faith of a brother or sister in Christ!  Mentoring is a great way to store our treasures in Heaven!

Me and my mentor.  I love her and am super grateful for her and the way she's invested in my life over the last 3 years!