When God's Grace Looks Like Death

2018 has been laid to rest and 2019 has begun.  To some extent, 2018 has been a year of death for me.  Most notably, my gallbladder was found to be nearly dead in the sense that it was barely functioning and I had it removed at the beginning of November.  Yet, there was hope in that death and in the other deaths of 2018.

In my previous blog post, I wrote about Esther, the stubborn cyst whose removal revealed a new suture allergy that killed off my skin.  I wrote about how Lent Wound brought my focus to the ways that God brings life from death.  That became my focus with my gallbladder.  I had faith that this was a death that God had allowed and brought to light in order to bring new life.  So far, so good.  I've healed well and am actually doing much better than I have been for the last several years.  As I suspected, Esther prevented 4 incisions from deteriorating instead of just one; I healed very well with the staples.

Besides leaving behind a nearly dead gallbladder and entering into 2019 with better health, here are a few other deaths that I see God using to bring new life in the upcoming year, as well as some new life that didn't result from some sort of death:

Volunteer Work:  While going through the gallbladder issues, I left the place I had been volunteering for 6 years that assisted victims of domestic violence.  I greatly enjoyed my time there and it is still close to my heart, but it became time to move on, especially as all my doctor appointments ended up having to be scheduled during that time.  I decided to use the rest of the year to rest.  Rest is vital; something we tend to forget.  Now that I have rested, I will be contacting one of my local hospitals early this month to pursue a volunteer position as a baby cuddler.  It's something that's been growing in my heart since early 2018 and I am both excited and nervous about it.  I'm praying that it works out.

Work Work:  One of my 2 babysitting jobs came to an end right before I had my gallbladder out.  Things had changed in both of our lives that meant it would no longer work out.  A plan was already in place for me to work my other babysitting job twice as much after surgery, though.  That's a blessing that's being carried over into 2019.  I'm currently in the best spot I've been financially in awhile.

Clutter: Fun fact about me: I can be pretty sentimental.  Being so sentimental, however, can make it hard to get rid of stuff, and that tends to lead to difficult to manage clutter.  One of the things going on mission trips has opened my eyes to is just how much stuff I have that I don't miss when I'm away from it and how much I could live without.  Throughout 2018, I've been trying to get rid of a lot of that clutter.  I ended 2018 last night throwing away another garbage bag and still have a ways to go as I enter 2019.  2019 will be a year of continuing to reduce clutter and hopefully create less in the first place.  Another fun fact: de-cluttering can make you take a good hard look at some of your habits.  It can make you disgusted with some of them, but that also makes you want to change for the better.

Photography: This one doesn't really from any sort of death or ending, just growth.  One of my big goals for 2019 is to get some of my photography displayed in a local venue where it will be seen and can be purchased.  Working more will provide me more financial ability to make this happen, so I guess in that sense, this is somewhat related to a 2018 casualty.  This one is particularly exciting and terrifying for me.  I'm not completely sure how to go about it or how my photography will be received, but it is a step that I plan on taking.

Age:  Managed to forget this one when I originally published this post.  The decade known as my 20's came to a close in November.  I ended them with a fifth surgery hoping to leave frequent surgeries in my 20's nd have a few less in my 30's. The last decade was a hard lesson about life not looking anything like I once expected it would.  I'm entering my 30's trying to go forward with what it is and create some new goals to work towards, but with a more open mind about what God might have in store for me.

Mattress: Ok, so this one's more for fun.  Seriously, though, my gallbladder surgery was my last straw for my old spring mattress and memory foam topper that refused to stay in place.  Wayfair had a great sale on memory foam mattresses in November and my parents got me one for Christmas.  I'm going into 2019 sleeping better and not being in so much pain.  It's actually a really wonderful thing!

I'm not usually a huge fan of New Year's Day, but this time, I am looking forward to 2019.  Granted, I'm also a little nervous.  With God, grace often comes in the form of death.  This was the case with the cross- Christ died to bring new life.  2018 had a lot of endings for me, but I have faith that those endings were to make way for the new things that God is doing in 2019.  I don't know what 2019 has in store for me, but I trust the One who is making a path that I can so far only see part of.  I'm trusting that He who began these good works will be faithful to continue them.  Philippians 1:6 was my verse for my gallbladder issues.  I want to share a card I found while de-cluttering my room that I must have bought at some point and can't remember why.

I'm entering into 2019 believing that.  I pray that 2019 comes with many blessings for all of you who read this.  I pray that you will cling to God and feel His presence with you through all the ups and downs of this year and that your faith will remain strong.  Happy New Year!

A Cyst Called Esther

Nearly two years ago, I joked with my surgeon that I should have named my stubborn cyst that we were dealing with given that it had been there for at least nearly a decade.  It wasn't until after it was removed that I found the perfect name for it- Esther.

Esther was a royal pain.  She liked to change sizes making it difficult to find her and even more difficult to drain her.  Given that she had been there for as long as she had, I had little hope she would simply go away after being drained.  I told God that He knew whether or not Esther would need to be surgically removed and asked Him to give my surgeon a sign to surgically remove her if that would end up being the case anyways.  At the appointment I mentioned, Esther once again could not be drained and my surgeon offered me the option of surgery, which I gladly took her up on.  Esther needed to go.

Esther did not go without a fight.  I experienced a very unexpected complication after surgery that we believe was an allergic reaction to the absorbable sutures.  Essentially, my skin all along the incision site dissolved instead of the sutures.  Not fun.  Esther was never able to behave normally.  So, why would God allow a surgery that seemed like it was going to relieve my suffering (which it did in fact do) to create more suffering?

Here's my take and here's where the name Esther comes in.  That suture allergy was going to be there just waiting for whatever my next surgery would have been to strike.  Yes, God could have prevented a suture allergy in the first place, but sometimes He allows hardships and lessens the damage instead.  There's a Chinese hymn called Camel In The Desert about God placing us in the desert, but giving us a camel to get through it.  It's a beautiful hymn and I like to think that Esther was my camel.  Several people told me after surgery that maybe I'd be blessed with not having to have any future surgeries.  I, on the other hand, already knew the list of surgeries that would be likely in the future. This is where the name Esther came in.  Perhaps God placed Esther for such a time as this, the time referring to future surgeries.  I wondered what the next one was going to be and assumed a suture allergy during the next one would have been worse.  A lumpectomy was a very fortunate surgery to have discovered it after as it created less harm than it would have after many other types of surgeries.

Now, back to 2018, and I am seeing what "such a time as this" is and seeing truly how fitting it is.  One of the surgeries I knew might be in my future was a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).  I began having mild, occasional, localized pain where my gallbladder is 3 years ago, but there was nothing to warrant further investigation at the time.  Knowing my body and knowing that gallbladder issues often accompany thyroid issues, I suspected it was likely very early signs of a future gallbladder problem.  My body was already progressing to this point at the time that Esther was removed.  Esther was there for such a time as this- a time where I'll be having 4 incisions instead of 1.  We are now prepared to use staples for this surgery to try to prevent a similar reaction from occurring thanks to Esther.

I also had a name for the wound caused by my reaction- Lent Wound.  Much of the time spent caring for the wound was during Lent.  I think I was finally free of tegaderms right around Easter, too.  Lent Wound was a very visible reminder during that time that it is by His wounds that we are healed.  It was a reminder that God brings new life in places where death has taken its toll and that that new life is different from the old life.  As I prepare to have my barely functioning gallbladder removed, I'm looking for the ways that God might be using this to breathe new life.  I'm holding on to the words of 2 Corinthians 4:16 where it says, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."  This verse sums up my experience with God through chronic illness.  Seeing the ways He has been faithful through my health struggles has been one of the biggest builders of my faith.

Almost 9 years ago to the date, I was getting ready to teach my first lesson as a youth group leader.  The title was "Where Is God In The Hard Times?".  Shortly before I left to teach it, I noticed what appeared to be lump near my hip.  After doing some Googling, I thought it might be a hernia and scheduled an appointment with my doctor, who agreed.  The pain started the day of the appointment.  Turns out, the lump was just some sort of pooch that may or may not be mostly from the fact that I tend to put more weight on my left side when I stand.  However, if it weren't for that lump, my actual hernias may not have been diagnosed due to their unusual presentation (although I will note that there is growing literature to suggest that it is a common presentation of inguinal hernias in women, but they may be underdiagnosed due to looking for how they present in men).  As it was, there was a huge struggle getting my hernias and the associated muscle problems diagnosed and treated.  There were often times I wondered why God wasn't doing more about the situation and had to choose trust in His character over what I felt at the time.  And each time He showed Himself faithful; each surgical scar has been a reminder of His faithfulness.  Each time I've had no control over what scans and test results would show or what various doctors would decide.  I've had to trust Him with it all.

This time, I did that from the beginning.  I didn't even bring up the pain to my doctor because it was still pretty mild and occasional.  I told God that He knew what was going on in my body and if there was something wrong that needed to be taken care of, He needed to give my doctor a reason to investigate further.  Well, God answered with a slightly elevated liver enzyme that my doctor thought could mean a gallbladder problem.  An ultrasound showed no gallstones, but shortly after that, the pain started to get worse and has progressively gotten worse since.  I asked my doctor for further testing and she ordered HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder.  I was nervous it might not show anything, but I kept in mind what it says in Philippians 1:6 that, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."  Granted, this is taken a bit out of context, but I do believe that when God begins any kind of good work in us, it is with the intention of bringing it to completion.  This verse was also posted on Facebook by a page I follow the morning of my HIDA scan and showed up on my feed while I waited, which was reassuring.  Sure enough, the HIDA scan clearly showed that my gallbladder was barely functioning.

I'm going into this next surgery in a few weeks a little nervous after what happened last time, but mostly filled with the peace that comes from having experienced God's faithfulness.  God has shown that He knew my needs ahead of time and was making a way to meet them.  It's not the first time He's done so.  In the last 9 years, He has shown Himself faithful in every hard time and this time will be no different.  He still works all things together for the good of those who love Him, including barely functioning gallbladders, stubborn cysts, suture allergies, and hernias.

And if you're interested in how I characterize my gallbladder, here you go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhYWNPzBuiM

I'm pretty sure that's what I saw on the screen during my HIDA scan.  Minus the dancing.  I don't think it even bothered to do that much.  Also, I'm pretty sure that several other body parts are in fact the back up dancers joining in.

Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant

"Remember your leaders, those who have spoken God's word to you.  Think about the impact of their lives, and imitate their faith." -Hebrews 13:7 (International Standard Version)

This morning I got to watch a sermon on Hebrews 13:7 and it was one of the most powerful sermons I've ever witnessed.  I should note that Hebrews 13:7 was never mentioned during the sermon, but it was brought to life in a beautiful way throughout the service.  The service was at my second home church and was a time to celebrate a priest there as he enters into retirement.

I've grown pretty fond of this priest and his wife over the last few years.  I've had the privilege of serving alongside them on the drama team at a camp for foster children.  I've been blessed to see some of the ways they work together as a couple and honor God through the way they love each other and love the church together.  One of those most memorable moments was when I sold jewelry and his wife had hosted a jewelry show to support me.  Usually men didn't participate in the shows, but in this case, he came out when the show was over and they picked out her free jewelry together.  It was a very touching experience to witness.  And that jewelry show was only one of the many ways they have both shown me support and love over the years.  They have both been there for me at times when I've needed it, prayed for me, encouraged me, etc.  I have never had any reason to doubt that either of them care about me and I look up to them as Godly examples who have been very faithful servants of the Lord.  I am grateful for the example they have set for me.

The fruit of their faithfulness was palpable this morning.  The parking lot and sanctuary were much fuller this morning as people who have moved, go to other churches, can't make it every Sunday, etc. showed up to celebrate this priest and the ways God has worked in our lives through him.  Time was taken to reflect on His time as a priest and how God led him there.  He encouraged us all to make decisions that would grow our faith instead of hinder it.  One of the things that I thought was most beautiful about how the sermon was handled was that he was the only priest that gave out the communion waifers when both priests normally would.  It was a final time for everyone there to receive communion from him as an on staff priest.  And during that time, I got to watch him serve communion to his family, including his grandsons.  His son, however, couldn't be there- he was teaching the Word of God at another church.  The morning ended with lunch and a time of fellowship.

Things that are usually considered mountain top moments in faith are things like mission trips, church trips and big events, conferences, etc.  I consider this morning's service to have been a mountain top moment in my faith that was at least as impactful as any of those things, if not more so. There's something indescribably special about celebrating as someone has finished running a big part of the race and has finished well and also being able to look to the future knowing there's still more to come.  I chose to use the International Standard Version of Hebrews 13:7 because I felt like the wording best described this morning- an opportunity to look at the impact of this priest and his wife's lives and a call and desire to imitate their faith as they have faithfully served in the hope that we would do the same.  This morning I experienced a beauty of the Christian faith that I had not experienced in quite the same way before in witnessing how many lives are blessed when each of us chooses to be faithful to the Lord.

Go

Today's word was "go".  I chose to reflect on Matthew 28 since the word "go" appears multiple times throughput the chapter.  I'll let you look it up and read it if you would like rather than typing out the full chapter.


The chapter begins with the women at the tomb after Jesus' death.  First the angel invites them to come and see that He has risen.  This is followed by the command to go and tell His disciples that He has risen.  Furthermore, Jesus, the dead guy they were mourning, would go before them to Galilee.  They were to find Him there alive, not there in the tomb.  And the women went with "fear and great joy."


Jesus met them and they worshipped Him.  He then gave the command to go and tell His brothers to go to Galilee where they would see Him.


While the women were going, some of the guards went to the chief priets and told them what had happened.  The chief priests told them to tell everyone that the disciples had stolen the body.


The disciples went to Galilee as they were told.  This is when they received the Great Commission to go and make disciples of all nations.


There's a lot of going going on in this chapter and all of it is a response to the resurrection.  Go and tell seems to be the theme.  For some, it was go and tell the good news.  For others, it was go and tell a lie to cover up the good news.


What would happen if evangelism was done out of a joyful response to the good news and not just a duty we feel we we have because of the Great Commission?  Some of us have this down.  Some of us could use some work.  Sometimes I worry that we take the resurrection for granted.  We don't realize just what it means.  We've grown up in a world where life seems a given.  I want to truly appreciate what a big deal the resurrection is and I want my evangelism to come from the joy that comes from that.

Injustice

Today's word is "injustice".  I chose Job 5:16, which says, "So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth."  It is preceded first by verses about committing one's cause to God who provides for those in need and then by verses about frustrating the plans of the wicked.  He gives hope to the poor and quiets injustice by putting an end to it.


I have a love/hate relationship with the idea that God loves all of us as if we were the only person.  It makes me feel good about God's love for me.  But I think it's false.  God does not love me any less because there are other people to love.  His love is unaffected by that fact.  Furthermore, I've come to view justice as God loving all of us equally.  There is punishment for sin because sin can't be committed without harm being done to someone else.  God is hurt everytime we sin- He died for each of our sins, even the "small" ones.  We hurt ourselves each time we sin because the wages of sin is death, even though we sometimes forget this because of the grace we have received.  There are usually other consequences as well.  Many times we also hurt other people, with or without knowing it.  Something seems odd about God's love for a victim if the sin is not addressed; it seems lacking.  Justice holds us accountable to loving God, ourselves, and our neighbors.  As Jesus said, that sums up all the commandments.


I've noticed that many times when injustices are committed, especially some of the most heinous injustices, it is done with the arrogant belief that the perpetrator will not be held accountable for his/her actions.  God doesn't exist or will give him/her a free pass.  If this were the case, there would be no hope for the poor and injustice will prevail.  Fortunately, we do have a just God.  The poor have hope precisely because God will shut the mouth of all injustice at some time or another, even if we don't get to see it.


We can look to the cross and resurrection as an example of injustice being quieted.  Although Jesus willingly went to the cross in submission to the Father's will, the cross was also still the world's greatest injustice.  Injustice roared that day as crowds shouted, demanding that the only innocent man to ever walk the Earth, it's creator and provider be crucified.  The resurrection silenced that injustice as God gave Jesus righteous judgment and raised Him from the dead.  God always judges righteously.  There is no injustice from Him and He does not allow mockery to be made of justice.

Look

Have I mentioned that I love the books of the prophets?  Today's word is "look" and I picked a verse from my favorite book of the Bible.  It's Lamentations 5:1, which says "Remember, O LORD, what has befallen us; look and see our disgrace!" (ESV)


This verse is a reminder that God is the God who sees.  What's interesting is that this verse is inviting God to look upon our disgrace- the very thing we normally try to hide from God and others.  Yet if we are to repent and find healing from God, we have to acknowledge the damage that sin's done in our lives and we have to invite God into it.  It is in telling God how desolate and desperate Israel's situation is and begging for Him to see it that Jeremiah begs the Lord to restore Israel to Himself.  The more I realize the damage sin inflicts in my life, the more I seek God's restoration.


I'm also drawn closer to Christ as I imagine Him praying something similar on the cross.  He bore our shame.  Crucifixion was a disgracelful death and He died that death with a crowd looking at that disgrace.  Our disgrace.  But He took it upon Himself and I'm sure He called on God to look at what was happening to Him and to remember and restore His life.

Voice

Today's word to reflect on is "voice".   I chose to reflect on Isaiah 51:3, which says, "For the LORD comfort Zion; he comforts all her waste places snd makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." (ESV)


I love the books of the prophets; they're my favorites.  There's a common theme: warning of punishment for sin if God's people don't repent and return to the Lord followed by promises of comfort and restoration that will follow and result in the Lord being exalted.  Lent is a time on reflecting on the punishment that our sin deserves and the fact that Christ bore that punishment for us.  It is a time of mourning as we reflect on the cost of sin.  However, this verse reminds me that it can also be a time of comfort.  The NIV translation of this verse says that he looks with compassion on Israel's ruins.


During this season of lent, I'm aware of some of the ruins in my life that have been caused by sin, whether it be sins that I committed or that others committed.  However, as I lament what used to be and is no longer there, I also want to turn to God and receive the comfort that He has promised following destruction.  I don't think we are supposed to mourn in vain; I think are mourning is meant to turn us back to the God who is waiting to comfort us.  I also want this to be a time for thanksgiving and the voice of song as I look forward to the promise of comfort and restoration.