Nearly two years ago, I joked with my surgeon that I should have named my stubborn cyst that we were dealing with given that it had been there for at least nearly a decade. It wasn't until after it was removed that I found the perfect name for it- Esther.
Esther was a royal pain. She liked to change sizes making it difficult to find her and even more difficult to drain her. Given that she had been there for as long as she had, I had little hope she would simply go away after being drained. I told God that He knew whether or not Esther would need to be surgically removed and asked Him to give my surgeon a sign to surgically remove her if that would end up being the case anyways. At the appointment I mentioned, Esther once again could not be drained and my surgeon offered me the option of surgery, which I gladly took her up on. Esther needed to go.
Esther did not go without a fight. I experienced a very unexpected complication after surgery that we believe was an allergic reaction to the absorbable sutures. Essentially, my skin all along the incision site dissolved instead of the sutures. Not fun. Esther was never able to behave normally. So, why would God allow a surgery that seemed like it was going to relieve my suffering (which it did in fact do) to create more suffering?
Here's my take and here's where the name Esther comes in. That suture allergy was going to be there just waiting for whatever my next surgery would have been to strike. Yes, God could have prevented a suture allergy in the first place, but sometimes He allows hardships and lessens the damage instead. There's a Chinese hymn called Camel In The Desert about God placing us in the desert, but giving us a camel to get through it. It's a beautiful hymn and I like to think that Esther was my camel. Several people told me after surgery that maybe I'd be blessed with not having to have any future surgeries. I, on the other hand, already knew the list of surgeries that would be likely in the future. This is where the name Esther came in. Perhaps God placed Esther for such a time as this, the time referring to future surgeries. I wondered what the next one was going to be and assumed a suture allergy during the next one would have been worse. A lumpectomy was a very fortunate surgery to have discovered it after as it created less harm than it would have after many other types of surgeries.
Now, back to 2018, and I am seeing what "such a time as this" is and seeing truly how fitting it is. One of the surgeries I knew might be in my future was a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal). I began having mild, occasional, localized pain where my gallbladder is 3 years ago, but there was nothing to warrant further investigation at the time. Knowing my body and knowing that gallbladder issues often accompany thyroid issues, I suspected it was likely very early signs of a future gallbladder problem. My body was already progressing to this point at the time that Esther was removed. Esther was there for such a time as this- a time where I'll be having 4 incisions instead of 1. We are now prepared to use staples for this surgery to try to prevent a similar reaction from occurring thanks to Esther.
I also had a name for the wound caused by my reaction- Lent Wound. Much of the time spent caring for the wound was during Lent. I think I was finally free of tegaderms right around Easter, too. Lent Wound was a very visible reminder during that time that it is by His wounds that we are healed. It was a reminder that God brings new life in places where death has taken its toll and that that new life is different from the old life. As I prepare to have my barely functioning gallbladder removed, I'm looking for the ways that God might be using this to breathe new life. I'm holding on to the words of 2 Corinthians 4:16 where it says, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." This verse sums up my experience with God through chronic illness. Seeing the ways He has been faithful through my health struggles has been one of the biggest builders of my faith.
Almost 9 years ago to the date, I was getting ready to teach my first lesson as a youth group leader. The title was "Where Is God In The Hard Times?". Shortly before I left to teach it, I noticed what appeared to be lump near my hip. After doing some Googling, I thought it might be a hernia and scheduled an appointment with my doctor, who agreed. The pain started the day of the appointment. Turns out, the lump was just some sort of pooch that may or may not be mostly from the fact that I tend to put more weight on my left side when I stand. However, if it weren't for that lump, my actual hernias may not have been diagnosed due to their unusual presentation (although I will note that there is growing literature to suggest that it is a common presentation of inguinal hernias in women, but they may be underdiagnosed due to looking for how they present in men). As it was, there was a huge struggle getting my hernias and the associated muscle problems diagnosed and treated. There were often times I wondered why God wasn't doing more about the situation and had to choose trust in His character over what I felt at the time. And each time He showed Himself faithful; each surgical scar has been a reminder of His faithfulness. Each time I've had no control over what scans and test results would show or what various doctors would decide. I've had to trust Him with it all.
This time, I did that from the beginning. I didn't even bring up the pain to my doctor because it was still pretty mild and occasional. I told God that He knew what was going on in my body and if there was something wrong that needed to be taken care of, He needed to give my doctor a reason to investigate further. Well, God answered with a slightly elevated liver enzyme that my doctor thought could mean a gallbladder problem. An ultrasound showed no gallstones, but shortly after that, the pain started to get worse and has progressively gotten worse since. I asked my doctor for further testing and she ordered HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder. I was nervous it might not show anything, but I kept in mind what it says in Philippians 1:6 that, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Granted, this is taken a bit out of context, but I do believe that when God begins any kind of good work in us, it is with the intention of bringing it to completion. This verse was also posted on Facebook by a page I follow the morning of my HIDA scan and showed up on my feed while I waited, which was reassuring. Sure enough, the HIDA scan clearly showed that my gallbladder was barely functioning.
I'm going into this next surgery in a few weeks a little nervous after what happened last time, but mostly filled with the peace that comes from having experienced God's faithfulness. God has shown that He knew my needs ahead of time and was making a way to meet them. It's not the first time He's done so. In the last 9 years, He has shown Himself faithful in every hard time and this time will be no different. He still works all things together for the good of those who love Him, including barely functioning gallbladders, stubborn cysts, suture allergies, and hernias.
And if you're interested in how I characterize my gallbladder, here you go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhYWNPzBuiM
I'm pretty sure that's what I saw on the screen during my HIDA scan. Minus the dancing. I don't think it even bothered to do that much. Also, I'm pretty sure that several other body parts are in fact the back up dancers joining in.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant
"Remember your leaders, those who have spoken God's word to you. Think about the impact of their lives, and imitate their faith." -Hebrews 13:7 (International Standard Version)
This morning I got to watch a sermon on Hebrews 13:7 and it was one of the most powerful sermons I've ever witnessed. I should note that Hebrews 13:7 was never mentioned during the sermon, but it was brought to life in a beautiful way throughout the service. The service was at my second home church and was a time to celebrate a priest there as he enters into retirement.
I've grown pretty fond of this priest and his wife over the last few years. I've had the privilege of serving alongside them on the drama team at a camp for foster children. I've been blessed to see some of the ways they work together as a couple and honor God through the way they love each other and love the church together. One of those most memorable moments was when I sold jewelry and his wife had hosted a jewelry show to support me. Usually men didn't participate in the shows, but in this case, he came out when the show was over and they picked out her free jewelry together. It was a very touching experience to witness. And that jewelry show was only one of the many ways they have both shown me support and love over the years. They have both been there for me at times when I've needed it, prayed for me, encouraged me, etc. I have never had any reason to doubt that either of them care about me and I look up to them as Godly examples who have been very faithful servants of the Lord. I am grateful for the example they have set for me.
The fruit of their faithfulness was palpable this morning. The parking lot and sanctuary were much fuller this morning as people who have moved, go to other churches, can't make it every Sunday, etc. showed up to celebrate this priest and the ways God has worked in our lives through him. Time was taken to reflect on His time as a priest and how God led him there. He encouraged us all to make decisions that would grow our faith instead of hinder it. One of the things that I thought was most beautiful about how the sermon was handled was that he was the only priest that gave out the communion waifers when both priests normally would. It was a final time for everyone there to receive communion from him as an on staff priest. And during that time, I got to watch him serve communion to his family, including his grandsons. His son, however, couldn't be there- he was teaching the Word of God at another church. The morning ended with lunch and a time of fellowship.
Things that are usually considered mountain top moments in faith are things like mission trips, church trips and big events, conferences, etc. I consider this morning's service to have been a mountain top moment in my faith that was at least as impactful as any of those things, if not more so. There's something indescribably special about celebrating as someone has finished running a big part of the race and has finished well and also being able to look to the future knowing there's still more to come. I chose to use the International Standard Version of Hebrews 13:7 because I felt like the wording best described this morning- an opportunity to look at the impact of this priest and his wife's lives and a call and desire to imitate their faith as they have faithfully served in the hope that we would do the same. This morning I experienced a beauty of the Christian faith that I had not experienced in quite the same way before in witnessing how many lives are blessed when each of us chooses to be faithful to the Lord.
This morning I got to watch a sermon on Hebrews 13:7 and it was one of the most powerful sermons I've ever witnessed. I should note that Hebrews 13:7 was never mentioned during the sermon, but it was brought to life in a beautiful way throughout the service. The service was at my second home church and was a time to celebrate a priest there as he enters into retirement.
I've grown pretty fond of this priest and his wife over the last few years. I've had the privilege of serving alongside them on the drama team at a camp for foster children. I've been blessed to see some of the ways they work together as a couple and honor God through the way they love each other and love the church together. One of those most memorable moments was when I sold jewelry and his wife had hosted a jewelry show to support me. Usually men didn't participate in the shows, but in this case, he came out when the show was over and they picked out her free jewelry together. It was a very touching experience to witness. And that jewelry show was only one of the many ways they have both shown me support and love over the years. They have both been there for me at times when I've needed it, prayed for me, encouraged me, etc. I have never had any reason to doubt that either of them care about me and I look up to them as Godly examples who have been very faithful servants of the Lord. I am grateful for the example they have set for me.
The fruit of their faithfulness was palpable this morning. The parking lot and sanctuary were much fuller this morning as people who have moved, go to other churches, can't make it every Sunday, etc. showed up to celebrate this priest and the ways God has worked in our lives through him. Time was taken to reflect on His time as a priest and how God led him there. He encouraged us all to make decisions that would grow our faith instead of hinder it. One of the things that I thought was most beautiful about how the sermon was handled was that he was the only priest that gave out the communion waifers when both priests normally would. It was a final time for everyone there to receive communion from him as an on staff priest. And during that time, I got to watch him serve communion to his family, including his grandsons. His son, however, couldn't be there- he was teaching the Word of God at another church. The morning ended with lunch and a time of fellowship.
Things that are usually considered mountain top moments in faith are things like mission trips, church trips and big events, conferences, etc. I consider this morning's service to have been a mountain top moment in my faith that was at least as impactful as any of those things, if not more so. There's something indescribably special about celebrating as someone has finished running a big part of the race and has finished well and also being able to look to the future knowing there's still more to come. I chose to use the International Standard Version of Hebrews 13:7 because I felt like the wording best described this morning- an opportunity to look at the impact of this priest and his wife's lives and a call and desire to imitate their faith as they have faithfully served in the hope that we would do the same. This morning I experienced a beauty of the Christian faith that I had not experienced in quite the same way before in witnessing how many lives are blessed when each of us chooses to be faithful to the Lord.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Go
Today's word was "go". I chose to reflect on Matthew 28 since the word "go" appears multiple times throughput the chapter. I'll let you look it up and read it if you would like rather than typing out the full chapter.
The chapter begins with the women at the tomb after Jesus' death. First the angel invites them to come and see that He has risen. This is followed by the command to go and tell His disciples that He has risen. Furthermore, Jesus, the dead guy they were mourning, would go before them to Galilee. They were to find Him there alive, not there in the tomb. And the women went with "fear and great joy."
Jesus met them and they worshipped Him. He then gave the command to go and tell His brothers to go to Galilee where they would see Him.
While the women were going, some of the guards went to the chief priets and told them what had happened. The chief priests told them to tell everyone that the disciples had stolen the body.
The disciples went to Galilee as they were told. This is when they received the Great Commission to go and make disciples of all nations.
There's a lot of going going on in this chapter and all of it is a response to the resurrection. Go and tell seems to be the theme. For some, it was go and tell the good news. For others, it was go and tell a lie to cover up the good news.
What would happen if evangelism was done out of a joyful response to the good news and not just a duty we feel we we have because of the Great Commission? Some of us have this down. Some of us could use some work. Sometimes I worry that we take the resurrection for granted. We don't realize just what it means. We've grown up in a world where life seems a given. I want to truly appreciate what a big deal the resurrection is and I want my evangelism to come from the joy that comes from that.
The chapter begins with the women at the tomb after Jesus' death. First the angel invites them to come and see that He has risen. This is followed by the command to go and tell His disciples that He has risen. Furthermore, Jesus, the dead guy they were mourning, would go before them to Galilee. They were to find Him there alive, not there in the tomb. And the women went with "fear and great joy."
Jesus met them and they worshipped Him. He then gave the command to go and tell His brothers to go to Galilee where they would see Him.
While the women were going, some of the guards went to the chief priets and told them what had happened. The chief priests told them to tell everyone that the disciples had stolen the body.
The disciples went to Galilee as they were told. This is when they received the Great Commission to go and make disciples of all nations.
There's a lot of going going on in this chapter and all of it is a response to the resurrection. Go and tell seems to be the theme. For some, it was go and tell the good news. For others, it was go and tell a lie to cover up the good news.
What would happen if evangelism was done out of a joyful response to the good news and not just a duty we feel we we have because of the Great Commission? Some of us have this down. Some of us could use some work. Sometimes I worry that we take the resurrection for granted. We don't realize just what it means. We've grown up in a world where life seems a given. I want to truly appreciate what a big deal the resurrection is and I want my evangelism to come from the joy that comes from that.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Injustice
Today's word is "injustice". I chose Job 5:16, which says, "So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth." It is preceded first by verses about committing one's cause to God who provides for those in need and then by verses about frustrating the plans of the wicked. He gives hope to the poor and quiets injustice by putting an end to it.
I have a love/hate relationship with the idea that God loves all of us as if we were the only person. It makes me feel good about God's love for me. But I think it's false. God does not love me any less because there are other people to love. His love is unaffected by that fact. Furthermore, I've come to view justice as God loving all of us equally. There is punishment for sin because sin can't be committed without harm being done to someone else. God is hurt everytime we sin- He died for each of our sins, even the "small" ones. We hurt ourselves each time we sin because the wages of sin is death, even though we sometimes forget this because of the grace we have received. There are usually other consequences as well. Many times we also hurt other people, with or without knowing it. Something seems odd about God's love for a victim if the sin is not addressed; it seems lacking. Justice holds us accountable to loving God, ourselves, and our neighbors. As Jesus said, that sums up all the commandments.
I've noticed that many times when injustices are committed, especially some of the most heinous injustices, it is done with the arrogant belief that the perpetrator will not be held accountable for his/her actions. God doesn't exist or will give him/her a free pass. If this were the case, there would be no hope for the poor and injustice will prevail. Fortunately, we do have a just God. The poor have hope precisely because God will shut the mouth of all injustice at some time or another, even if we don't get to see it.
We can look to the cross and resurrection as an example of injustice being quieted. Although Jesus willingly went to the cross in submission to the Father's will, the cross was also still the world's greatest injustice. Injustice roared that day as crowds shouted, demanding that the only innocent man to ever walk the Earth, it's creator and provider be crucified. The resurrection silenced that injustice as God gave Jesus righteous judgment and raised Him from the dead. God always judges righteously. There is no injustice from Him and He does not allow mockery to be made of justice.
I have a love/hate relationship with the idea that God loves all of us as if we were the only person. It makes me feel good about God's love for me. But I think it's false. God does not love me any less because there are other people to love. His love is unaffected by that fact. Furthermore, I've come to view justice as God loving all of us equally. There is punishment for sin because sin can't be committed without harm being done to someone else. God is hurt everytime we sin- He died for each of our sins, even the "small" ones. We hurt ourselves each time we sin because the wages of sin is death, even though we sometimes forget this because of the grace we have received. There are usually other consequences as well. Many times we also hurt other people, with or without knowing it. Something seems odd about God's love for a victim if the sin is not addressed; it seems lacking. Justice holds us accountable to loving God, ourselves, and our neighbors. As Jesus said, that sums up all the commandments.
I've noticed that many times when injustices are committed, especially some of the most heinous injustices, it is done with the arrogant belief that the perpetrator will not be held accountable for his/her actions. God doesn't exist or will give him/her a free pass. If this were the case, there would be no hope for the poor and injustice will prevail. Fortunately, we do have a just God. The poor have hope precisely because God will shut the mouth of all injustice at some time or another, even if we don't get to see it.
We can look to the cross and resurrection as an example of injustice being quieted. Although Jesus willingly went to the cross in submission to the Father's will, the cross was also still the world's greatest injustice. Injustice roared that day as crowds shouted, demanding that the only innocent man to ever walk the Earth, it's creator and provider be crucified. The resurrection silenced that injustice as God gave Jesus righteous judgment and raised Him from the dead. God always judges righteously. There is no injustice from Him and He does not allow mockery to be made of justice.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Look
Have I mentioned that I love the books of the prophets? Today's word is "look" and I picked a verse from my favorite book of the Bible. It's Lamentations 5:1, which says "Remember, O LORD, what has befallen us; look and see our disgrace!" (ESV)
This verse is a reminder that God is the God who sees. What's interesting is that this verse is inviting God to look upon our disgrace- the very thing we normally try to hide from God and others. Yet if we are to repent and find healing from God, we have to acknowledge the damage that sin's done in our lives and we have to invite God into it. It is in telling God how desolate and desperate Israel's situation is and begging for Him to see it that Jeremiah begs the Lord to restore Israel to Himself. The more I realize the damage sin inflicts in my life, the more I seek God's restoration.
I'm also drawn closer to Christ as I imagine Him praying something similar on the cross. He bore our shame. Crucifixion was a disgracelful death and He died that death with a crowd looking at that disgrace. Our disgrace. But He took it upon Himself and I'm sure He called on God to look at what was happening to Him and to remember and restore His life.
This verse is a reminder that God is the God who sees. What's interesting is that this verse is inviting God to look upon our disgrace- the very thing we normally try to hide from God and others. Yet if we are to repent and find healing from God, we have to acknowledge the damage that sin's done in our lives and we have to invite God into it. It is in telling God how desolate and desperate Israel's situation is and begging for Him to see it that Jeremiah begs the Lord to restore Israel to Himself. The more I realize the damage sin inflicts in my life, the more I seek God's restoration.
I'm also drawn closer to Christ as I imagine Him praying something similar on the cross. He bore our shame. Crucifixion was a disgracelful death and He died that death with a crowd looking at that disgrace. Our disgrace. But He took it upon Himself and I'm sure He called on God to look at what was happening to Him and to remember and restore His life.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Voice
Today's word to reflect on is "voice". I chose to reflect on Isaiah 51:3, which says, "For the LORD comfort Zion; he comforts all her waste places snd makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." (ESV)
I love the books of the prophets; they're my favorites. There's a common theme: warning of punishment for sin if God's people don't repent and return to the Lord followed by promises of comfort and restoration that will follow and result in the Lord being exalted. Lent is a time on reflecting on the punishment that our sin deserves and the fact that Christ bore that punishment for us. It is a time of mourning as we reflect on the cost of sin. However, this verse reminds me that it can also be a time of comfort. The NIV translation of this verse says that he looks with compassion on Israel's ruins.
During this season of lent, I'm aware of some of the ruins in my life that have been caused by sin, whether it be sins that I committed or that others committed. However, as I lament what used to be and is no longer there, I also want to turn to God and receive the comfort that He has promised following destruction. I don't think we are supposed to mourn in vain; I think are mourning is meant to turn us back to the God who is waiting to comfort us. I also want this to be a time for thanksgiving and the voice of song as I look forward to the promise of comfort and restoration.
I love the books of the prophets; they're my favorites. There's a common theme: warning of punishment for sin if God's people don't repent and return to the Lord followed by promises of comfort and restoration that will follow and result in the Lord being exalted. Lent is a time on reflecting on the punishment that our sin deserves and the fact that Christ bore that punishment for us. It is a time of mourning as we reflect on the cost of sin. However, this verse reminds me that it can also be a time of comfort. The NIV translation of this verse says that he looks with compassion on Israel's ruins.
During this season of lent, I'm aware of some of the ruins in my life that have been caused by sin, whether it be sins that I committed or that others committed. However, as I lament what used to be and is no longer there, I also want to turn to God and receive the comfort that He has promised following destruction. I don't think we are supposed to mourn in vain; I think are mourning is meant to turn us back to the God who is waiting to comfort us. I also want this to be a time for thanksgiving and the voice of song as I look forward to the promise of comfort and restoration.
Gather
Another season of lent where I commit to blogging has begun. This year I am adapting a lent idea that was to take and share a photo each day based off a word. Instead, I will take some time each day to look up Bible verses containing the word, reflect, and blog some thoughts.
Today's word is "gather". The verse I've chosen is Job 34:14-15, which says, "If he should set his heart to it and gather to himself his spirit and his breath, all flesh would perish together, and man would return to dust." (ESV) I read this at my church's Ash Wednesday service shortly after having the ashes placed on my forehead and hearing the words, "From dust you came; to dust you shall return."
Fortunately, this is not what God has set His heart to, and that is the grace of this season. I've been doing Beth Moore's Bible study about the Holy Spirt called "Breath". We've examined verses similar to the one in Job linking words like "breath", "spirit", and "life", which is one of the reasons this stood out to me. Another reason is the passage we studied in the last session.
I encourage you to read Ezekiel 37:1-14. It's the passage about the dry bones being brought to life. In short, God asks the prophet Ezekiel, "Son of man, can these bones live?". Ezekiel replies, "O Lord GOD, you know." God tells him to prophesy life over the bones. As he did so, the bones came together and were covered with flesh, but there was no breath. He was then commanded to prophesy to the breath to breathe on the slain so they might live and they did. The passage ends with God's promise to raise His people from their graves and place His Spirit in them so they might live.
I go to a church where communion is usually only taken once a month, except for special occasions. Communion happened to fall the day after this lesson. As I watched everyone go up for communion, I reflected on this passage. "Can these dry bones live?" God seemed to still be asking. "O Lord GOD, you know," I thought as I watched person after person receive the sacraments that said, "Yes." Bones metaphorically coming together and being covered with sinews and flesh. God breathing new life into His people that were once dead in their transgressions. While advent looks forward to the birth of Christ, lent looks forward to God breathing life into dry bones.
From dust we came; to dust we shall return. Praise the God whose heart is not sent on leaving us that way. The God who instead chose to open our graves and breathe life into us a second time. He could have gathered His breath instead. We'd had our chance and blown it. Yet He chose to give His last breath so that we might once again have breath. This is the beauty of lent and Easter.
Today's word is "gather". The verse I've chosen is Job 34:14-15, which says, "If he should set his heart to it and gather to himself his spirit and his breath, all flesh would perish together, and man would return to dust." (ESV) I read this at my church's Ash Wednesday service shortly after having the ashes placed on my forehead and hearing the words, "From dust you came; to dust you shall return."
Fortunately, this is not what God has set His heart to, and that is the grace of this season. I've been doing Beth Moore's Bible study about the Holy Spirt called "Breath". We've examined verses similar to the one in Job linking words like "breath", "spirit", and "life", which is one of the reasons this stood out to me. Another reason is the passage we studied in the last session.
I encourage you to read Ezekiel 37:1-14. It's the passage about the dry bones being brought to life. In short, God asks the prophet Ezekiel, "Son of man, can these bones live?". Ezekiel replies, "O Lord GOD, you know." God tells him to prophesy life over the bones. As he did so, the bones came together and were covered with flesh, but there was no breath. He was then commanded to prophesy to the breath to breathe on the slain so they might live and they did. The passage ends with God's promise to raise His people from their graves and place His Spirit in them so they might live.
I go to a church where communion is usually only taken once a month, except for special occasions. Communion happened to fall the day after this lesson. As I watched everyone go up for communion, I reflected on this passage. "Can these dry bones live?" God seemed to still be asking. "O Lord GOD, you know," I thought as I watched person after person receive the sacraments that said, "Yes." Bones metaphorically coming together and being covered with sinews and flesh. God breathing new life into His people that were once dead in their transgressions. While advent looks forward to the birth of Christ, lent looks forward to God breathing life into dry bones.
From dust we came; to dust we shall return. Praise the God whose heart is not sent on leaving us that way. The God who instead chose to open our graves and breathe life into us a second time. He could have gathered His breath instead. We'd had our chance and blown it. Yet He chose to give His last breath so that we might once again have breath. This is the beauty of lent and Easter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)