Nearly two years ago, I joked with my surgeon that I should have named my stubborn cyst that we were dealing with given that it had been there for at least nearly a decade. It wasn't until after it was removed that I found the perfect name for it- Esther.
Esther was a royal pain. She liked to change sizes making it difficult to find her and even more difficult to drain her. Given that she had been there for as long as she had, I had little hope she would simply go away after being drained. I told God that He knew whether or not Esther would need to be surgically removed and asked Him to give my surgeon a sign to surgically remove her if that would end up being the case anyways. At the appointment I mentioned, Esther once again could not be drained and my surgeon offered me the option of surgery, which I gladly took her up on. Esther needed to go.
Esther did not go without a fight. I experienced a very unexpected complication after surgery that we believe was an allergic reaction to the absorbable sutures. Essentially, my skin all along the incision site dissolved instead of the sutures. Not fun. Esther was never able to behave normally. So, why would God allow a surgery that seemed like it was going to relieve my suffering (which it did in fact do) to create more suffering?
Here's my take and here's where the name Esther comes in. That suture allergy was going to be there just waiting for whatever my next surgery would have been to strike. Yes, God could have prevented a suture allergy in the first place, but sometimes He allows hardships and lessens the damage instead. There's a Chinese hymn called Camel In The Desert about God placing us in the desert, but giving us a camel to get through it. It's a beautiful hymn and I like to think that Esther was my camel. Several people told me after surgery that maybe I'd be blessed with not having to have any future surgeries. I, on the other hand, already knew the list of surgeries that would be likely in the future. This is where the name Esther came in. Perhaps God placed Esther for such a time as this, the time referring to future surgeries. I wondered what the next one was going to be and assumed a suture allergy during the next one would have been worse. A lumpectomy was a very fortunate surgery to have discovered it after as it created less harm than it would have after many other types of surgeries.
Now, back to 2018, and I am seeing what "such a time as this" is and seeing truly how fitting it is. One of the surgeries I knew might be in my future was a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal). I began having mild, occasional, localized pain where my gallbladder is 3 years ago, but there was nothing to warrant further investigation at the time. Knowing my body and knowing that gallbladder issues often accompany thyroid issues, I suspected it was likely very early signs of a future gallbladder problem. My body was already progressing to this point at the time that Esther was removed. Esther was there for such a time as this- a time where I'll be having 4 incisions instead of 1. We are now prepared to use staples for this surgery to try to prevent a similar reaction from occurring thanks to Esther.
I also had a name for the wound caused by my reaction- Lent Wound. Much of the time spent caring for the wound was during Lent. I think I was finally free of tegaderms right around Easter, too. Lent Wound was a very visible reminder during that time that it is by His wounds that we are healed. It was a reminder that God brings new life in places where death has taken its toll and that that new life is different from the old life. As I prepare to have my barely functioning gallbladder removed, I'm looking for the ways that God might be using this to breathe new life. I'm holding on to the words of 2 Corinthians 4:16 where it says, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." This verse sums up my experience with God through chronic illness. Seeing the ways He has been faithful through my health struggles has been one of the biggest builders of my faith.
Almost 9 years ago to the date, I was getting ready to teach my first lesson as a youth group leader. The title was "Where Is God In The Hard Times?". Shortly before I left to teach it, I noticed what appeared to be lump near my hip. After doing some Googling, I thought it might be a hernia and scheduled an appointment with my doctor, who agreed. The pain started the day of the appointment. Turns out, the lump was just some sort of pooch that may or may not be mostly from the fact that I tend to put more weight on my left side when I stand. However, if it weren't for that lump, my actual hernias may not have been diagnosed due to their unusual presentation (although I will note that there is growing literature to suggest that it is a common presentation of inguinal hernias in women, but they may be underdiagnosed due to looking for how they present in men). As it was, there was a huge struggle getting my hernias and the associated muscle problems diagnosed and treated. There were often times I wondered why God wasn't doing more about the situation and had to choose trust in His character over what I felt at the time. And each time He showed Himself faithful; each surgical scar has been a reminder of His faithfulness. Each time I've had no control over what scans and test results would show or what various doctors would decide. I've had to trust Him with it all.
This time, I did that from the beginning. I didn't even bring up the pain to my doctor because it was still pretty mild and occasional. I told God that He knew what was going on in my body and if there was something wrong that needed to be taken care of, He needed to give my doctor a reason to investigate further. Well, God answered with a slightly elevated liver enzyme that my doctor thought could mean a gallbladder problem. An ultrasound showed no gallstones, but shortly after that, the pain started to get worse and has progressively gotten worse since. I asked my doctor for further testing and she ordered HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder. I was nervous it might not show anything, but I kept in mind what it says in Philippians 1:6 that, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Granted, this is taken a bit out of context, but I do believe that when God begins any kind of good work in us, it is with the intention of bringing it to completion. This verse was also posted on Facebook by a page I follow the morning of my HIDA scan and showed up on my feed while I waited, which was reassuring. Sure enough, the HIDA scan clearly showed that my gallbladder was barely functioning.
I'm going into this next surgery in a few weeks a little nervous after what happened last time, but mostly filled with the peace that comes from having experienced God's faithfulness. God has shown that He knew my needs ahead of time and was making a way to meet them. It's not the first time He's done so. In the last 9 years, He has shown Himself faithful in every hard time and this time will be no different. He still works all things together for the good of those who love Him, including barely functioning gallbladders, stubborn cysts, suture allergies, and hernias.
And if you're interested in how I characterize my gallbladder, here you go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhYWNPzBuiM
I'm pretty sure that's what I saw on the screen during my HIDA scan. Minus the dancing. I don't think it even bothered to do that much. Also, I'm pretty sure that several other body parts are in fact the back up dancers joining in.
